A few weeks ago I was asked by a friend of mine to participate on a panel for an organization that she works for called Sierra Forever Families. She wanted to create a training for the staff from all three locations that focuses on the perspective of adult adoptees and foster care alumni. At first I was thrilled at this opportunity because I didn't and still don't quiet get that my voice is what people want to hear. I am so used to hearing the beautiful side of adoption, not the sad and lonely side of adoption. My experience at the training as a panelist proved that what I had to say not only seemed like something that they haven't heard but something that they may of needed to hear in order to help the younger generations of adoptees and children in foster care. Going back to hearing professionals on television and professionals in books, I would hear the word love thrown around like it was a cure all remedy when it comes to adoption and bringing a child into a new family and home.
"Love is all they want"
"Love is all they need"
"Every child deserves to be loved"
I do agree with all of these statements, but it goes much deeper then just love. Love is just not enough.
Unconditional love is what is needed. Unconditional love means that I can act out and not be left alone again. Unconditional love means that I can cry and grieve my first family and not feel ashamed about it. Unconditional love means that I can have both families in my life and heart and I not have to chose. Unconditional love is walking down this emotional path with my family. Unconditional love is a great understanding from all members of the family.
To go even deeper, unconditional love is still not enough.
What would have been enough? I don't know if there could have ever been enough to take away the pain and fill up the loss.
I do know that awareness that my experiences are different as a woman of color could of helped. Having a support group of other adoptees while growing up would have helped. Talking about my birth mother in a beautiful way would have helped. Being in therapy would have helped. Not hearing assumptions that my birth mother may have been a prostitute would of helped. Being advised on how to deal with racism would have helped. Being told how to be proud of my dark brown skin would of helped.
With that said, Love Is Not Enough